We’ve all had to sit next to someone on the plane who isn’t ideal. You always hope for the perfect seat neighbor, but unfortunately that dream doesn’t always come true. Here are my top 5 I hope to avoid…
1. The Talker
Just when you’ve settled into your seat and are ready to tear open your new book or simply take a snooze, down plops the Talker. All you wanna do is have some time to yourself before you get there and this robber of time is screwing it up for you. He keeps firing off incessant, open ended questions at you like an interview. The funny thing is that they are all the same questions that all the “Talkers” ask, “Are you headed home or do you live here?” “Are you traveling for work or pleasure?” ” What do you do?” “Do you have kids?” To which you can only answer and then ask the obligatory same questions in return. Once the Talker gets going on his stories you become subjected to the wallet photo album, the riveting world of scrapbooking, the novel that he is reading – when the entire time you wish you were reading yours!
I have used the “headphone” technique -even if there is no music on- plug in before they can start talking.
The “fall asleep before they start talking” technique – this can only be used if you can sense that they are a “Talker’ before they get going.
I have actually used the “nodding off” technique – this is only to be used in extreme cases because it’s extremely rude – you literally nod off as they are talking to you.
Or the “straight to the point” techinque – simply tell the person that you don’t mean to be rude, but you’d really like to take a nap or read your book. However, this could make it awkward for the rest of the flight.
2. The Snorer
Oh for the love of God, will you stop?!
This one isn’t as frequent as the “Talker”, but when it happens it is the most annoying thing ever! Someone next to you or even in a seat somewhere in your area falls asleep and they are a snorer. Now they have to be a professional because airplane air is noisy!
The nonchalant “accidental” elbow nudge to the arm or shoulder – whichever is closest. If they are in front of you then you kick the seat – kinda hard- and if they are behind you drop your seat back kinda fast. The thing about sleeping people is they really don’t know what woke them up and hopefully they will change positions before they fall asleep again.
3. The Sick Guy
This one is really a bummer because you know you are subjected to inhaling recycled air for the next few hours and this guy is beyond contagious. Coughing, sneezing, watery eyes, the works and he’s right next to you. Ugh!
Don’t forget the Airborne
If possible, cover your nose and mouth with part of your clothing – or be Asian with a full on mask!
4. The Crying Baby
Holy Hell, this one speaks for itself. We all know what it’s like to be stuck by the crying baby for hours on a plane. I do have some sympathy for this situation because the poor thing’s ears probably hurt and poor mom or dad really can’t do anything about it. You know they are annoyed too.
Solution: Spike the bottle with brandy…. nuff said.
5. The Farter
Yes, I have actually experienced this. I think why it happens is because – as previously stated – airplane air is noisy. In a noisy environment it is very easy to unassumingly let one squeak out. The risk the Farter runs is that it will be an SBD – and deadly they are in the thick, recycled air.
In my own experience the Farter – who happened to be sitting in front of me – would lift her head above the seats and look around after each expulsion of rancid air to see if anyone could tell. She may have been looking around to deflect any suspicion that she was the culprit, but after a handful of times it was quite obvious.
I’m open to suggestions for this one because, unfortunately, the only thing I could do was make a sour face and plug my nose.
Next time you board your flight I truly hope you do not encounter one of these 5 offenders!!